May 24th, 2020
a pandemic is a great way to put personal growth on hold.
guilt is always lingering.
it’s stored along my spine. fragments of it glisten in moments of frustration, impatience, and sadness.
time reveals that the past is the future is the past.
feelings you had are gone and then back, and then they are gone again.
i’m laying down and i’m staring at my wall where it meets the ceiling. they merge and become one. shades of grey swirling into a marble effect. i feel hypnotized, like i’m drowning.
March 17th, 2020
Towards the end of summer 2019 my mental health was really going down hill. I have been depressed for what feels like the majority of my adulthood. In the past, every time I felt that way I always assumed I would overcome it because I have gotten through to the other side before. However, at 28 it seemed like my depression was getting worse and it was much more frequent than I realized. I felt like if I didn't seek help it would definitely not end well. I started therapy in August and to my surprise it was fully covered by my insurance. I think I would have gotten help sooner if I knew that my plan covered mental health care but because a lot of my anxiety and stress at the time was financial, I avoided seeking help.
After an evaluation with my therapist, we discussed medication but agreed that I would be okay without it for now. After a couple months of biweekly therapy sessions I started to feel really anxious and depressed again but even more intensely. For years in my teens and early twenties I self harmed frequently. As I got older I really wanted to be better and not do it. I was embarrassed by the scars I already had and didn't want anymore. I also felt like I was too old to be doing it. Instead, I started to hit myself and sometimes hoped I would get a bruise as a cry for help. During the intensity I was feeling in the fall I started self harming again. My anxiety was out of control and this was my only release. I hid it from my therapist for a week or two but then shared with her that I definitely wanted to try medication. I needed help getting better.
I started taking lexapro shortly after and my perspective totally shifted. I have been able to change quite a bit in my life thanks to the medication. It helped me experience bursts of happiness more often and see my challenges more realistically. Right before the meds one of my cuts was on my right thigh, the opposite side of where this tattoo is placed. This tattoo is a reminder that I am not always going to be happy but it is worth chasing and that I am deserving of it.
The tattoo is also inspired by the Lana Del Rey song, happiness is a butterfly.
March 3rd, 2020
She said, “ladies how may I help you?”
Isn’t this what I wanted?
March 2nd, 2020
February 27th, 2020
It’s amazing that there might have been a time I felt certain.
It’s overwhelming being driven by such strong forces.
The waves have subsided, yet my body still feels the pain of being pulled under water.
I can swim, but not in this ocean.
There’s no sign of land, so I head for the light.